Shitstorm Brewing
by Insanitypony
Summary: Twilight, Applejack, and Rarity have always followed their galactic mistress Princess Celestia, but recent events have them reevaluating their loyalties in this universe spanning epic. Join them on their quest for peace in this nonsensical (and dangerous) universe! A retelling of the epic saga of the mane Six.
1. I

Sh**storm Brewing

by Insanitpony

Chapter 1

There they were. Three ponies with a death wish that was about to come true. Applejack,Twilight Sparkle, and Rarity served their princess well, now they clung to a slippery stalactite that hung directly over a sarlacc pit surrounded by hordes of velociraptors with chainsaws for limbs in the spice mines below Mount Deathiseminant on Cloppus IV. The velociraptors' chainsaw genitals roared with a sadistic delight that would have made even Celestia blush. "Hang on tight, sugar cubes! I have an idea!" Rarity shouted to her comrades below. "Oh, how in the wide world of Equestria did we get into this mess?" Twilight thought to herself. The scene fades to white then fades to Twilight lounging in her reclining chair, drinking a can of Trottingham light and watching David Letterpony in her study. She leans forward and unleashes a fart that instantly puts Spike into a coma from which he will never wake. Just before she asks Spike for another beer, she hears a- "Twilight you imbecile, this is no time for your idiotic flashbacks!" Applejack exclaimed. Before Rarity can put her escape plan into action, Applejack lost her grip and began to plummet to her untimely demise. Within a matter of seconds, S.C.O.O.T.A.L.O.O. swooped down from an opening in the cave and caught Applejack in mid-air. She then helped Twilight and Rarity down from the stalactite and held the three ponies with her massive missile launching gorilla arm. Before teleporting back to Equestria, she used her other robotic arm to send out a wave of doom which made the velociraptors explode in a storm of blood, organs, and biscuits. Tasty biscuits.


	2. II

Chapter 2

Part pony, part machine, S.C.O.O.T.A.L.O.O. was one of Celestia's most abominable creations. She was roughly the size of Scootaloo, but the only way the monstrosity resembled the former filly was the left half of her face. She escorted Twilight Rarity and Applejack into Celestia's throne room then vanished in a flash of green light, off to do more of the princess's bidding. "Uh, Sugar cube," Rarity muttered to Twilight "I've been thinking and... well, do you ever, I don't know, question what we do here for the princess and all?" What are you suggesting?" Twilight asked, somewhat demandingly. "Well, darling... why don't you take a look around."

"I've been in the princess's throne room before, Applejack!"

"I realize that, but take a closer look. Are you certain that we're really doing the good that the princess says we're doing?" Twilight gave a sigh and decided to humor her friends and observed the long hall that stretched out before her. The decaying black stone walls that loomed over the narrow hall were lined with carvings of various occult symbols that glowed red with hatred. The stained glass windows depicted in graphic bloody detail Celestia mercilessly obliterating her enemies and cast a faint array of Autumn colors across the layer of mist which concealed the untold amounts of dried blood, pools of ooze, and scurrying possessed womp rats. The bars of the empty cages that hung high from the ceiling came attached with skeletal hands and claws of the princess's previous war trophies. Hung upon the walls were also many weapons ranging from daggers to missile launchers to laser cannons known to have helped destroy entire civilizations. "I don't know what you're talking about," Twilight concluded "and if I didn't know any better, I'd say you were traitors to the cause!"

"Twilight, that's a powerful accusation!" I was only..." Applejack silenced herself as a cloud of smoke as black as their deepest fears formed above them. It spiraled downward as it traveled toward the center of the room. A tall column of smoke stood before the ponies and collapsed, forming the shape of a very large alicorn, and then dispersed into nothingness, revealing Princess Celestia.


	3. III

Chapter 3

The ponies felt Celestia's soul chilling presence as she made her way to her throne of pelvises. Celestia wore a black cloak made of mule skin with a hood that concealed most of her face. "Good day, my students," Celestia croaked "have you killed those who Princess Celestia ordered you to kill?" The princess's voice always caught her servants of guard every time they heard it. It awakened a fear that lay dormant in the deepest recesses of the mind. The trio had gotten somewhat used to it by now, though. Celestia also tended to speak in third person. This was probably due to the fact that as a filly her parents abandoned her in the Everfree Forest only to be raised by wolves who abandoned her to be raised by demons who abandoned her because they were terrified of her. Eventually she was raised by cockroaches who locked her in a cellar to die. She survived only by drinking the blood of her new ant family and eating her own soul.

"We... we..." Twilight muttered. She couldn't bring herself to tell the princess that they failed. "Well? Out with it! Did you burn the village or not?" asked Celestia sharply and impatiently. Applejack decided to speak up. "Well, your godliness, you see... we... um..." The ponies felt Celestia's penetrating stare through her hood. They couldn't recall the last time they had felt such raw fear. Rarity was the first to break. "We couldn't burn the villages! We looked into the faces of the children and we just couldn't!"

"Then we were ambushed and hunted down by the velociraptors! We won't fail you again, we promise!" cried Twilight. Celestia slowly began to rise above the ground which began to tremble and shake. She tilted her head up revealing a twisted and burnt face, scarred by centuries of war and insanity. Her eyes were empty sockets filled with the blazing fires of damnation. She and her three minions were soon inside a circle of hungry flames. This lasted for two minutes until the flames finally died and Celestia calmly lowered herself to the ground. The ponies were huddled together, shaking with terror. " Since I am a kind and forgiving princess, I will give you a chance to redeem yourselves. S.C.O.O.T.A.L.O.O., take them to their next assignment!"


	4. IV

Chapter 4

Princess Celestia's castle rested on the back of a giant flying stingray that spanned the length of ten thousand grantlebitches. Twilight, Rarity, and Applejack stood next to the helicopter landing pad on one of the castle's many rooftops. As they waited for the choppa to arrive, they took the time to observe the world around them. Imperial star destroyers dotted the red sky along with wispy black clouds. In the distance, towering mushroom clouds and warring corn giants could be seen amongst the mountain ranges. The wastelands below were scarred with craters that were filled with corpses and the ruins of various spacecraft. Billows of smoke rose up from where siege tanks and draconian storm troopers fought off pockets of rebel soldiers and yetis. This had been the usual scenery all around Equestria ever since the madness vortex (a portal that leads to a dimension of pure madness) exploded into existence several eons ago and incited the epic struggle for universal supremacy that continues to this very day.

What would happen if you asked a monkey dressed as a clown for the time, but instead of telling you the time it handed you a live grenade? When the helicopter arrived the ponies saw that it wasn't really a helicopter, but a very large biscuit that was pulled along by a legion of night gaunts. After boarding the craft, they fastened the biscuit's safety tentacles around their waists and were ready for long and dangerous flight to Celestia's wormhole. They were almost to the wormhole when they crossed paths with the lord of eagles and his army of stegosauruses that flew World War I fighter planes. There was an epic aerial battle that eventually resulted in a heated legal battle between Tabitha St. Germain and the entire Dalek race. There was also a devastating flame war between Twilight and the lord of eagles in the comments section of a YouTube video. In the end, the ponies (and the Daleks) were victorious and continued their mission.

Meanwhile, on the other side of Equestria, Stephanie Meyer was transformed into a tremendous seventy-foot-tall Octopus/human/ Batman hybrid by a crazed scientist with hopes of one day conquering Equestria and restoring the pure master race of clowns. Unfortunately, his creation had power beyond his control and stepped on him, sending his soul to a sparkling realm where demons forced him to read the "Twilight" saga for an eternity. The stingray that carried Princess Celestia's castle on its back was not far away from the rampaging Stephanie Meyer when the castle was detached from the stingray and launched itself into space. The stingray (now dead) crashed into Stephanie Meyer, causing an explosion that destroyed both of them. "Confound Stephanie Meyer and her works," said the hamburgler "they drive me to drink!" He and Marilyn Manson proceed to drink tea and watch the third season of the greatest show in existence on a small hill while the cries of Stephanie Meyer could be heard far away as her life force was carried off by dragons to a prison in a parallel universe where pandas ruled the cosmos with an iron paw.


	5. V

Chapter 5

The biscuit had lowered the ponies to the mouth of a cave near the peak of the mountain on which Princess Celestia's wormhole existed for two hundred years. The biscuit then flew away, off into the red sky before violently exploding into a shower of fiery debris for no reason what-so-ever. The ponies ventured forth into the icy cave in search of the Princess's nasty wet wormhole which would allow them to travel across time and space to a planet halfway across the universe. Near the mouth of the cave there was a wizard with a long grey beard and big meaty lobster claws.

"Hear ye, travelers! Certain death lies in the cave yonder!" shouted the wizard "Come hither so that I may tell-" The wizard wasn't able to finish his sentence. He had been impaled by Twilight's horn, which had turned into a blazing twenty-foot-long plasma blade. Normally, Twilight killed without remorse, except for the time her pod racing partner, Fancy Pants, was infected with sexually-transmitted parasprites. She had to kill him so his soul wouldn't be defiled by the nipples of the sex god, Ghullll'gfhtaaakolololololak in the afterlife. Later, as they were walking through the dark tunnels of the mountain, they began to hear thunderous footsteps followed by the sound of a saxophone being played. They looked at each other nervously and continued at a slower pace. Several minutes later, they were finally confronted by the dreaded… smooth jazz wyvern!

"Battle positions!" Twilight yelled. The smooth jazz wyvern kindly waited as the ponies underwent a glamorous and completely unnecessary five-minute-long transformation sequence. Twilight was suddenly covered from head to hoof with shiny robotic armor and her horn became a very large drill. Applejack revealed her true ninja form and Rarity became a hippopotamus with Gatling guns protruding from her nostrils. After that was over, the battle began! Applejack disappeared in a cloud of smoke and reappeared in front of the wyvern. She began to rapidly throw kunai knives at the beast, but they didn't seem to do any good. The wyvern played a few notes on his tenor saxophone and blew AJ back against a wall with the sheer power of smooth jazz. She lost forty-five HP and was stunned for the remainder of the fight. Rarity began to catapult venom-tipped turds with her tail at the wyvern, but it dodged every one of them. She then sprayed it with a barrage of bullets whilst Twilight fired lasers from the tip of her drill. After two hours of fighting and a having to endure a musical number, they ponies had won! They continued through the endless twisting and turning tunnels of the labyrinth of the mountain god, Mlkfpdsjigooooorgafhnakz. Thank Celestia they didn't encounter the terrible cool ranch wyvern!

Meanwhile, in space, the royal castle was pulled via tractor beam aboard the enormous space station that was simply known as the Derpstar. The Derpstar was roughly the size of an entire solar system and shaped like the head of the iconic and lovable character, Derpy. It was Celestia's new headquarters and castle. It was also a weapon that fired a refreshing minty green laser powerful enough to annihilate entire galaxies and possibly tear a hole in the fabric of reality itself. Celestia mostly used it to instill fear into her enemies, for it was not yet completely operational. Once it was, though, she planned to eventually tear a rift through time and space, thus creating a portal to the eighth dimension, which she would then conquer and merge with this dimension. But that wouldn't be possible for another century or so. Until then, she would have to settle for taking trillions of innocent lives and wreaking unending havoc upon the universe. How boring.


	6. VI

Chapter 6

Eight hooded figures sat around a long table made of molten lava in an obscenely dark room somewhere aboard the Derpstar. The only light source (besides the table) was a holographic map of the universe being projected in mid-air from the eye socket of a dragon skull in the center of the table. The figures in gray robes waited silently and listened to the blood falls that served as walls babble and roar around them. The blood fall at the north end of the room parted and Princess Celestia entered. After she took her place at the end of the table, the others shouted "Hail Celestia!" before removing their hoods and revealing themselves. This was Princess Celestia's council of evil! The council consisted of only the most evil and ruthless generals that were hoof-picked by Celestia. To the right of her sat a massive pink decepticon known as Decepticadence, Prince Bluebloodbath, S.C.O.O.T.A.L.O.O, and Exodia the forbidden one. To the left of her sat a pony whose organs were inside-out known named Shining Armor, Darth Finish, Winnie the Necromancer and Joseph Stalin. "Let the meeting begin!" Celestia bellowed as she raised a hoof that was emanating lightning. They began to discuss various things such as the decline in balrog slaves and the space demon uprising when Winnie the Necromancer whispered in a voice that could literally kill someone and turn their reanimated corpse into a zombie minion "Our intelligensssse claimssss that three of your deadliesssst minions could be potential traitorsss. May I have ssssome honey?"

"Master," Decepticadence began in a booming mechanical voice "I can dispose of the traitors without hesitation or mercy,"

"Worry not, minions. Princess Celestia has special means of taking care of them," Celestia replied. She and her minions' wicked laughter could be heard for miles aboard the Derpstar.

The three mane protagonists (so far) had been traversing the endless tunnels of the mountain for four years now. They had triumphed countless labyrinths, slain thousands of gorgons, befriended the shark people of Dayakzothakoth, and bested the beholder at a game of mind chess, but they still wandered the vast tunnels, looking for the wormhole. They had grown old and frail and had beards so long that they could be used to strangle their enemies. "It's been so long since I've felt the touch of another pony," croaked Applejack. She approached Rarity and caressed her scaly right breast. Rarity began to mount Applejack when a faint ray of light could be seen coming from around the corner up ahead. They stopped what they were doing and proceeded to investigate.


	7. VII

Chapter 7

They drew closer to the circle of light on the wall of the cave. Water dripped from it and it stank of rotting fish. They each were only a few inches away when they were violently sucked into it. The next thing they knew they were standing on a stone platform on the other side the wormhole. They looked around and saw a dark and fiery world around them. The sky was black and so was the endless expanse beyond. Fiery souls pleading for mercy fell from the sky and into an ocean of blood that surrounded the stone island on which they stood. In the distance there were enormous lava falls and volcanoes. Polar bears with bat wings soared over Martian tripods that marched on the surface of the blood ocean and the floating islands made of pop-tart goo above. "Welcome… to HELL!" said the booming voice of a giant demon made of green tentacles and Wilfred Brimley. "I am the portal master. You must pass the trial of Sppokirksulu before-" The towering demon wasn't able to finish his sentence. He had been impaled by Twilight's horn which had turned into a blazing two thousand-foot-long plasma blade.

A brick path appeared to their right leading to a round island not far away. After about two days of walking along the path, Applejack asked "Twilight, darling, what exactly are we searching for now? The princess only told you what to do after we found the wormhole."

"RAWGLE FRAWGLE!" the purple unicorn belched in reply. The other two ponies nodded in agreement. They finally reached the large tiny island. Stone pillars formed a circle around the image of a pony with demon horns carved into the island's brick surface. At the center of the island there was a small flaming cage with a cello inside. As soon as Twilight took a step toward the cage, the ponies were surrounded by hundreds of fiery demon skulls and walrus magi with flame throwers. The ponies went through their regular battle transformations except for Applejack. Instead of turning into a ninja she pulled an enormous war hammer out of her ass. It was a 30-foot-long steel pole with a flaming stone block the size of a school bus on the end and was covered with tiny spikes tipped with deadly alpaca urine. As the demons drew nearer, the ponies found themselves to be outnumbered, outgunned, and over all outdone.


	8. VIII

**A/N: Hello, everynyan! (No, that****'s not a typo) I'm the Denizen of Madness! You may be wondering why I'm here on Insanitypony's fanfic. Well, truth be told, he has a case of writer's block at the moment, so I'll be filling in for him for a few chapters. This is just a little side story that takes place within the same universe. So I hope you enjoy this!  
**

* * *

The Doctor always thought he had seen everything, but fortunately, (or perhaps unfortunately) he was proven wrong time and time again. He and his new companion, Trixie (or as she preferred to be called, "The Great and Powerful Trixie") had just escaped doom that may or may not have been certain on Spider Planet, in Galaxy Omega Nine.

Long story short, Trixie used her fireworks in an attempt to get the local spider-ponies to worship her. She burnt down their village and decimated the ecosystem to the point where the only food left was a cartilage and mustard sandwich. They got mad, and decided to sacrifice her to their goat-man god, Tirac.

Needless to say, The Doctor saved her using the power of SCIENCE! They were now in the TARDIS, The Doctor venting his frustration into piloting it. Trixie looked at the Doctor sadly as she was trying to get him to forgive her.

"Look, Trixie said she was sorry!"

"Trixie, you burnt down their village and destroyed their ecosystem. That's well over two hundred years of history and an entire species of Griffin-Spiders destroyed within a day!" He shouted at her as he steered the mighty telephone box.

"..." She paused.

"Trixie said she was sorry!" She reiterated.

"I don't want to talk to you right now! I'm very frustrated!"

"Stop announcing your emotions!"

"I don't want to!"

Their arguing was cut short as the TARDIS shook violently. The duo, unable to hold their ground, fell on their flanks. A loud crashing sound then followed, and all was still.

"What... What just happened?" Trixie asked in a hushed tone.

The Doctor sprang back up and took a look at the TARDIS's monitor. "Hmm... It appears as though someone used a blueberry doughnut to take control of the TARDIS."

"You can do that?"

"Trixie, this is a universe where god-modding ponies are common place. Where insane things happen for no good reason. Winnie the bloody Necromancer, Trixie!"

"Okay, point taken. But why?"

"I'm not sure, but I'm hoping it doesn't have anything to do with blowing up the universe."

"You sound like that's happened before."

The Doctor ignored her, and headed for the door leading outside.

"Hey, Trixie was talking to you!" She shouted to the Doctor as she followed him. But he had already left the TARDIS.

"Hey!" She caught up with the Doctor, who sat a few feet away from the TARDIS.

Trixie, glaring, began to yell at him"Hey, Trixie was-" The Doctor cut her off by placing his hoof over her mouth and shushing.

Trixie smacked his hoof from her mouth in furor. "You dare try to silence the Great and Powerful Trixie?! I should-" She stopped yelling as she noticed that the Doctor was staring of into space. Trixie then heard someone shouting in the distance. It wasn't a natural voice, no. It sounded like one of those cheap computer voices, only on a higher (and funnier) pitch.

A panicked look flickered in the Doctor's eyes. At first he had a sense of vague recognition, but when the voice drew closer, he fully realized what it was. _"Oh, dear." _

A lone figure appeared on the horizon, slowly approaching the TARDIS.

It's cries became clearer the closer it came. The figure was cylindrical in appearance, with an assortment of... things coming out of it. Like a plunger, for instance. If it wasn't obvious before, I'm just gonna come out and say that it's a Dalek.

"DO-NAT-ION FOR THE OR-PHANS! DO-NATE!"

"Well, now I've seen everything."

* * *

Meanwhile, in another part of the universe...

Apple Bloom flew through space with her two trusted companions. First there was Sweetie Belle, but she wasn't really Sweetie Belle because her mane was made of lasers, and her eyes were made of headless Changelings making Celestialess love to Windigos made out of cabbages. But she was still Sweetie Belle.

The next was a Rape Minotaur, who drank the urine of his fallen enemies.

Suddenly, a Space Whale came out of nowhere much! After a musical number involving the genocide of the Saiyan race, the threesome and the Space Whale parted ways, they learned a lesson in racial tolerance.

Twenty years later, Apple Bloom withdrew her triangle, Flak Flayer, from a dimension where all screamed for pie. She channled her hormones through Flak Flayer, summoning the great Lauren Faust, who flexed one of her Alicorn wings, which was made of muffins and shot a planet out of her left eye, destroying Cloppus IV.

A vision then did appear. It was Prince Blueblood Bath, who was having tea and chumpits with the princess from the Hearts and Hooves day story. (I like to call her Fuergott.)

"My muffin top is all that, whole grain, low fat."

* * *

**A/N: So, yeah. Not my best work. Please review!**


	9. IX

Chapter 9

Their numbers were staggering, but the ponies soon realized that these must have been the lesser demons of hell. Twilight and Rarity fused together to form super saiyan 4 Gogeta and blasted the walrus magi to pieces whilst Applejack was able to crush thousands of demon skulls with one devastating blow from her hammer of Shitfest. The fire spirit that guarded the cage and kept it ablaze was impressed by the ponies' display of bloodlust and felt that they were worthy to wield the contents it protected. Twilight saw that the cage was open and not on fire; she cleared a path through the mounds of corpses and made her way to the cage. She reached inside and pulled out the cello. It had an emerald exterior and the bow was made of eyeballs that were made from the menstrual blood of the late god king, Jar Jar Binks. Twilight felt the sudden urge to lift it up over her head. An overwhelming sense of power flowed through her and seemed to be coming from the cello. What was this divine instrument that they discovered this day? She felt a mixture of fear and a desire to keep the cello and use its powers to fulfill a number of dark (darker than usual) desires that suddenly crawled out of the deepest crevices within her unconscious mind. "What in tarnation is that?" Rarity asked, amazed by its unexplainable allure.

"That, loyal minion, is the cello of Octavia!" said a booming royal Canterlot voice that made bat-like demons flying nearby scream in agony and dive into the blood ocean. The ponies saw that four helicopters circled them. Princess Celestia stood in one of the helicopters and yelled down to them. "Now if you would kindly hoof it over to your beloved princess, you shall be greatly rewarded." Four royal skeleton guards repelled down from a helicopter to retrieve the cello. After Twilight reluctantly hoofed it over, all three ponies felt the sharp stings of darts penetrate their necks. The last thing they heard as their consciousness faded was the booming laughter of Princess Celestia. Prince Bluebloodbath, who was actually the king of Hell, watched the scene unfold through a telescope made of menstrual blood as he sat in a chair in his fortress made of menstrual blood in ninth circle of hell which was inhabited by some of the most wretched beings in existence: Generation 3 ponies. "Bless my soul!" said he "I must inform Luna!" Surprisingly, Celestia and her cronies failed to realize that there had been another traitor in their midst.

Twilight was the first to awaken. As she regained consciousness, she saw that the three were stripped of their armor and were chained to a very large spine (most likely from a mature Ghoaushitstigore) that was protruding upright from the sandy ground. They were in the center of what appeared to be some sort of coliseum and were surrounded by thousands upon thousands of cheering spectators hungry for violence. Upon closer examination, Twilight saw that most of these spectators were Martian zebra orcs, which could really mean only one thing… Twilight gulped. "The royal execution grounds?! But why?" she thought to herself. Celestia enjoyed killing, but sometimes she also enjoyed watching her enemies being torn limb from limb by an assortment of cruel and twisted abominations she kept as pets in an obscenely bloody display that takes place every once in a while in a tremendous coliseum on top of Olympus Mons. Twilight looked around frantically; questions whirled through her mind. Applejack and Rarity woke a few seconds later; they were just as confused as Twilight was. The ponies struggled a bit, but not much. They knew that even if they did manage to break free from the chains, impending doom would swoop down upon them even sooner from the stone platform hovering high above the stadium where Celestia sat and enjoyed the show.


	10. X

**A/N: Um, so this chapter starts a bit before the last one, okay?**

* * *

Apple Bloom continued her journey through space. This time around, she had a mission. A mission so important that it was like life or death or something. She flew through three planets, destroying the freak out of them. The small filly increased her speed to twenty thousand grantlebitches an hour, causing her to make a Sonic Apple Boom. The red, apple-shaped shock wave struck seventeen more planets, destroying the freak out of them, and causing all of their inhabitants to explode in a shower of apples of all types.

And within the span of twenty seconds, she had reached her destination: Equestria. Specifically, the Great Equestrian Desert.

Spike, who was still comatose, was lying within this desert somehow. A pair of vultures flew over head, selecting the unconscious dragon as their next meal.

Apple Bloom crashed into the dessert in pure, unbridled, fury. She removed her bow, which was forged in the fires of Hell, and threw it at the vultures, slicing their heads off and sending their still living heads to a dimension of pure, unending agony. The rest of their bodies then combusted. Apple Bloom's bow returned to the back of her head, now covered in vulture blood.

She looked down to Spike, ungodly lust filling her eyes. She leaned her head down, and whispered to Spike, "Yer gonna make me feel good."

* * *

Princess Celestia sat in her favorite throne-the one made of pelvises- and sighed in content. She may have been a merciless pan-dimensional conquered, but even she liked to relax every now and then. Though, she still held a feeling of boredom in the hollow shell she called a heart.

But her peace was soon disrupted by a nameless messenger changeling. (The Changelings were among the first races Celestia conquered) He had entered the throne room in a hurry.

"Your holy majesty, Princess Celestia, I bring you alarming news!" The Changeling bowed to his mistress.

"And what is it?"

"It is Apple Bloom, my mistress."

"Ah," Celestia smiled in nostalgia. Apple Bloom was one of the first ponies to oppose her reign when she first started. The little filly had raised a small army of turtles in an attempt to defeat her. So Celestia, being the ever benevolent ruler she was, vaporized the army when they dared to try and invade Canterlot. It was painful for them. Then, out of boredom, she fused mary sue flesh into Apple Bloom and banished her to the other side of the universe. Ah, those were good times. "And what of her?"

"She... She has learned to master the curse you placed on her, Your Majesty! So far, she has decimated the saiyan branch of your army and destroyed twenty one planets that were under your glorious rule! I have heard rumors that her power is continuing to grow at a rapid pace, as well!" The Changeling was visibly shaking in fear, knowing that the Princess had a bad habit of killing those who gave her bad news.

"She is now, is she?" Celestia's smile grew maniacal. Perhaps this is what she needed to alleviate her boredom: a challenge. Perhaps Apple Bloom is planning on taking her on again.

"W-what should we do, Your Highness?"

"Nothing for now. Princess Celestia wishes to see what will happen."

"A-are you sure, Your Highness?"

Celestia didn't reply, merely creating an illusion of the Changeling's greatest fear: Britneigh Spears.

"For-forgive my insolence, Princess Celestia!" The Changeling shook madly. He now knew he had no chance of leaving alive.

"It is quite alright, subject. You may leave."

The Changeling looked at her, It's expression a mix of confusion and happiness. He quickly bowed his head again. "Thank you, Your Majesty!" And It quickly turned to leave.

"Oh, before Princess Celestia forgets. Subject?" Celestia called to the Changeling as it began to leave.

"Yes, Your Majestic Highness?" It asked cheerfully. It relief was soon extinguished as it realized that Celestia caught it in her magic, and was now levitating it off the ground.

"Your Princess forgot; She needs a new toaster cozy. My last one is just ripped," She said casually as she ripped the Changelings exoskeleton from the rest of it, letting blood and other goo drip onto the floor. She dropped the remaining organs on the floor, and called a maid to clean it up.

"You see, pony flesh isn't as durable as I thought it would be. I think one made out of changelings will do much better," She said to the empty shell.


	11. XI

Chapter 11

"Welcome, minions of Celestia!" The princess's voice echoed throughout the enormous arena.

"Hail Celstia!" the savage chanting masses replied. Celestia grinned as Winnie the Necromancer, who sat to her right in the stone spectator box that floated high above the execution grounds, handed her another slice of pizza topped with werewolf meat.

"Today you will all witness the death of three ponies that chose to betray this glorious empire!"

"Betray?! No! I would do anything for Celestia! This is a mistake!" Twilight was frantic, if only she could reason with the princess somehow. Her large bushy brows arched in anger as she turned to glare at Applejack and Rarity. "It's you two! The princess must have over heard your blasphemous talk earlier!"

"Twilight, you idiot! Can't you see?! Our `beloved princess' is the scourge of all the wickedness and evil that exists in this dimension! No matter how valued of a minion you are, you are still as disposable as the lowliest pawn in her grand universal game! It's astoundingly obvious!" Applejack screamed. Twilight's brain processed this for a moment. Perhaps it was true? Certain things did seem to add up.

The ponies were silent for a minute before Twilight began rapidly waving her hooves and yelling "Princess, these two are the traitors, not me!" Celestia heard this but ignored her and chuckled.

Rainbow Dash awoke in darkness. It was the same darkness that she had dwelled in for as long as her simple mind could remember. She sloshed around a bit on the damp floor and let a grunt out of one of her mouths. She scratched an itch with one of her many appendages she could never see. Living in this darkness was all she could ever remember. Occasionally there would be an almost blinding light. She can never remember where she went when she followed the light, but she knew that it meant… food.

"My faithful minions, you are about to be treated to a maddening display of carnage. Behold Princess Celestia's latest acquisition… RAINBOW DASH!" Wild cheers came from every direction. The wind picked up and the sky darkened. Lightning flashed as Celestia's eyes derped and she let out a wicked cackle that filled all hearts with a derp so intense that a few of the zebra orcs turned to piles of freshly made biscuits with honey. A very large steel door at the northern end of the arena slid upward, revealing a pitch-dark room from which a massive creature emerged. Rainbow Dash repulsed ever living entity that dared to shift its gaze upon her; even Celestia couldn't look at it without turning her head every few seconds. Applejack violently regurgitated.


	12. XLIII

Chapter XLIII

Like a Cthulu wet dream, Rainbow Dash was a horror beyond horrors. She was a shapeless, indescribable mass of flesh and limbs and stuff. She was about the size of a mammoth from the deepest birthing pits of Doom Krathoool. Rainbow Dash slowly lumbered towards her dinner. Tongues slithered out of horrible, horrible mouths that were in places where mouths should never be found and lashed at the air before her. Ghastly penile digits of unthinkable sorts swung carelessly here and there with murderous intentions. Rarity laid an egg.

The Rainbow Dash was so close at this point; the three could almost taste the porn particles that formed a slimy film in the air around her. As despair filled their minds, swirly clouds began to form in the sky above and within minutes, it was raining ninjas, but these weren't your algebra 1 teacher's ninjas, neigh, they were cyber ninjas with dreadlocks. They swarmed the arena and began battling the Martian zebra orcs. Spears and armor clashed, blood rained, lasers disintegrated, and souls were spread on English muffins and eaten. However, the invading cyber ninjas were in for a surprise, as the Martian zebra orcs shed their meat disguises and revealed their true cyber ninja forms. A brutal battle ensued. This was all fine and dandy, but failed to distract Raibow Dash from her prey. It would take more than a few thousand pathetic cyber ninjas with dreadlocks to kill Rainbow Dash, even with their plasma katana arms. She devoured any that dared come near her with such monstrous ferocity that even for a creature such as her, it was a unthinkably sickening display. When prey was swallowed, it was chewed by millions of tiny chainsaw teeth, then sent through an esophagus-like tube to the inter dimensional portal at Rainbow Dash's core that lead to a pocket dimension containing the all the rest of her organs and stomachs where it would then be painfully digested for a thousand years or so.

"Is this some sort of pathetic rescue attempt?" Twilight asked aloud without a modicum of gratitude. Just then, a raging fireball hurdling from the sky landed on Rainbow Dash, sploding her. As viscous brown blood, organs, bones, flesh, demonite crystals, guns, monster trucks, and whatever else Rainbow Dash was composed of rained down from above, a huge titanium battle mech propelled itself out of the smoking crater in the place it had landed with two built-in jet boosters. Celestia recognized this particular battlemech and scowled.

"Luna…" she hissed and signaled Winnie the necromancer with a slight gesture. The harbinger of dark ages to come vanished in a cloud of honey-starved souls.

The battlemech was roughly the shape of a pony and stood on its two immaculate steel legs. At the ends of its forearms were two gargantuan chain guns. At the center of its steel mock pony head was a tank full of green liquid. Floating inside of this tank was the living head of a dark blue alicorn with a black crown and a flowing star-dotted blue mane.

"Quickly, ponies, into my ventral sacs!" urged Princess Luna in the voice of renowned actor, Christopher Lee as she staved off oncoming waves of cyber ninjas with her werewolf shield generator. Werewolves were procured out of seemingly thin air, but in actuality they were transformed from water molecules into the fierce man/wolf warriors.

"Ulj yakghournalga necrigrosa!" shouted a voice from nowhere. The werewolves and cyber ninjas melted and reformed themselves into hell knights from the 23rd bacon realm.

"We must go NOW! Celestia must be destroyed while we still have a chance!" Luna commanded. She opened a fairly spacious compartment containing her ventral sacs, storage organs she would use to help carry her underlings across solar systems. The ponies dodged fiery projectiles thrown by the hell knights and boarded Princess Luna, but it was already too late. A small carrier ship had whisked Celestia away off planet.

"Curse you Celestia! You haven't seen the last of PRINCESS LUNAZORGH!" Luna swore out loud. She fired round after round of mana bullets and missiles at the ever growing number of hell knights crawling up from the ground, but to no avail. Her chain gun arm shifted inside-out and into class 9 wellwerefucked cannon. It emitted a blast so powerful it blew up that entire half of Mars and propelled her into space.


End file.
